Worry, Anxiety and the Magic of Calm and Peace.
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To worry is a futile endeavor. Too often, the worries we have are not necessary. We are inherently biologically wired to worry but maybe, it’s time to unplug. There is a certain kind of magic that happens in the calm and the peace.
Worry is always the cause of stress, not the remedy for it.
Worry by definition (Merriam-Webster.com)
: to afflict with mental distress or agitation : make anxious
: to feel or experience concern or anxiety : fret
a: mental distress or agitation resulting from concern usually for something impending or anticipated : anxiety
b: an instance or occurrence of such distress or agitation
If worry is the cause of stress and anxiety, then why do we do it?
We may never really know the reason behind that, but I know for me, worry is about feeling a loss of control. Especially when I can’t control the outcome of a situation.
I’ve done enough mental health work to know that my worry is a direct reflection of the outcome of situations. I know that being prepared helps to ease my worry.
I also know that I can’t prepare for every possible scenario.
I know that there are situations that are just beyond my control and worrying won’t help solve the problem or issue.
I also know that it helps to do all I can to solve the problem or issue.
I know that I’d like to be the person who walks through life saying, No worries, no problems.
The reality is that I’m not quite there yet – this is a hard, hard mindset shift.
When I googled, “Why do we worry?”
I got this answer from Copilot (Microsoft 365 AI)
We worry for several reasons:
Natural Alarm System: Our bodies are designed to alert us to potential dangers, triggering worry as a protective mechanism. 1 Understanding these factors can help us address and manage our worries more effectively.
Cognitive and Emotional Process: Worrying involves persistent thoughts about potential negative outcomes or uncertainties, leading to anxiety and stress. 1
Reason 1: Natural Alarm System
Ok, I get this. Our bodies are wired for “fight or flight” instinct.
So worry is the mental aspect of this I suppose. If we can’t physically do something to solve a problem or create an outcome, we switch to worry.
The defense to this, I think, is logic. If we can logically look at a situation and ask ourselves, can we control the outcome?
If the answer is yes, then there’s no worry.
If the answer is no, then we need to learn to “let it go” and let the outcome be the outcome, whatever that is.
Reason 2: Cognitive and Emotional Process.
The first thing I thought of when I read this was a cycle – as in, getting stuck in a cycle.
Worry: persistent thoughts >negative outcomes>stress/anxiety
And, of course, googling “the cycle of worry” gave me many, many images – at quick glance, I liked this one the best:
I can go way down the rabbit hole on this topic alone, because anxiety is something I deal with every day. But, for purposes of this post, let me focus (haha) –
Worry: persistent thoughts >negative outcomes>stress/anxiety
If worrying starts with “persistent thoughts” then we need to learn to filter out thoughts as soon as they come to mind.
This is also a hard skill to learn and master. Mostly, I’ve learned this skill through my Yoga practice.
For me, it goes like this –
A thought comes into my mind, and I literally recognize the thought and decide if it’s something to worry about now or later.
Often, I get stuck in worrying about things NOW that can wait until later or, don’t really need to be worried about at all.
If I decide to worry about it now, then I commence through the cycle. If I decide to worry about it later, I literally acknowledge the thought and say, “I can’t worry about you right now.” and then, I go write it down. Sometimes, writing it down is a reminder to worry about it later (which seems counterintuitive, I know) and sometimes it’s a way to just get the thought out of my head. Because, sometimes, thoughts can just get stuck.
Worry is a negative connotation word. You know, if someone is worried, it’s usually about a bad situation or a bad outcome.
In this cycle, worrying is persistent thoughts about negative outcomes. So, what’s the defense for this?
Ask yourself, what’s the worst possible outcome?
In almost any situation, the worst possible outcome is death or destruction. And, while you can’t recover from death, you can recover from destruction. Once you reconcile the worst possible outcome, it may help you to worry less.
Personally, I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I accept that there is nothing, I can do to prevent my death – I mean, when God decides it’s my time, it’s my time. I strive everyday to be right with God, but regardless I know in my heart and soul that when I die, I’m going to Heaven. I am not afraid to die. (Also, this doesn’t mean I want to die anytime soon, it just means I’ve accepted that I have zero control over when this will happen).
Once you get yourself to that place mentally and spiritually, you worry a little less about dying.
As far as destruction goes, I make sure plans are in place – insurances are up to date, there’s a couple of options in place for where we could go if say, our house was unhabitable.
Having a plan in place helps to ease the anxiety, just a smidge.
The more you practice the thoughts> outcomes>stress/anxiety cycle, the easier it becomes. It takes intentional effort to do this, but it does reduce the stress and anxiety.
Summary:
Thoughts: acknowledge them and decide to worry now or later.
Negative Outcomes: what is the worst possible outcome?
Stress/Anxiety: Have plans in place to manage these emotions.
Yoga, gardening, cleaning/organizing and talking with friends who “get it” help me manage.
Reason 3: Rewarding Cycle
I am a natural problem solver, helper, planner, solution seeking person. So, naturally when I worry about something, find solutions and any of those solutions work, I get a dopamine kick.
This reason for worrying gives a different perspective:
Worrying rewards us with a feeling of being more prepared, protected and enhanced – as in the value we provide to others by worrying for them.
When we worry, we brainstorm solutions and having a ready-made solution makes us feel more powerful over the situation.
Like, “if this happens, the this is the solution”
Spoiler alert: this is a false sense of security, we cannot provide solutions for every situation. We may feel more prepared but maybe we really aren’t.
Worrying gives us a sense of protection – this goes back to the fight or flight instinct. If we worry and provide solutions, it may temper that instinct. In a way, we give ourselves emotional protection by worrying because we’ve already determined the worst possible outcome and by simply doing that, we feel the emotion of the outcome. I know for me; I don’t like to be caught unprepared or off-guard so in this sense, I’m protecting myself from those scenarios by worrying.
Worrying rewards us with enhanced sense of self –
the internal dialogue: If I worry, that means I care and when people see that I care then they like/love me more and when people like/love me more than my value to them is more valuable.
Spoiler Alert: This is a false, internal narrative. Your worth to another person is NOT based on how much you worry about them or for them. Your very existence is worthy of being liked/loved.
If you can internalize to the very depths of your soul that you are worthy of being liked/loved even if you don’t worry about a person/situation, it makes it a lot easier NOT to worry.
And yes, this too is hard work, emotionally and mentally.
You are not a bad person if you don’t worry.
My two favorite phrases in this particular reason are:
“I don’t care” and “Let it Go”
Now, not to be callous, because I DO care – often, too much but there are some situations that I simply just have to say, “I don’t care” and then truly, get to a point where I don’t care about the outcome. And, then, I have to “Let it Go” – let the problem or issue go out of my head and back to God or the Universe or a Higher Power of some sort that already knows the outcome.
There are simply too many things that are out of my control.
And yes, in both instances, songs help:
Hakuna Matata from The Lion King
Let it Go from Frozen
As I’m writing this, another song came to mind –
The Blessing by Kari Jones/Cody Carnes/Elevation Worship.
The Blessing is based on Numbers 6:24-26
If you are a person of Faith, this song and verse as well as others may help you to take a minute and learn not to worry.
It’s an intentional practice to learn to “let go and let God” and it’s hard but every time I’ve done it, everything has worked out ok.
This song absolutely got me through the early months of the pandemic. I was so worried and anxious during that time. I listened to this song on repeat, daily and even purchased a print that hangs in my office – in fact, I made an entire “anti-anxiety” wall:
Another great worship song is Sparrows by Cory Asbury.
Based on Matthew 6: 25-27
For me, the biggest antidote to my worry is music. Particularly, songs from musicals and worship music. Music is therapy, music is that dopamine and serotonin kick that really makes everything right in my world.
If I’m really worried or anxious about a situation, I listen to techno/dance Remixes of some of my favorite songs. There’s just something about that style of music that instantly puts me in a good mood.
Wait – let me get back on track with this post before I write a whole “post within a post” about music therapy –
We are on Reason 3: the reward cycle of worry.
In summary, we need to understand the “reward” we get from worrying and determine if the reward is worth the worry. I suppose there is a healthy level of worry, but I also know that there has to be a self-imposed boundary of worrying too much that we cannot cross.
Reason 4: Motivation
Ask yourself: What is the motivation for my worry?
We already know that there is a “reward” for worry. The reward is the motivation – we are somehow rewarded for worrying.
This is the reward>motivation cycle.
This image best describes this cycle as it relates to worry –
Worry leads to potential solutions, which leads to action, which leads to results which reinforces that we should worry and that’s where we get stuck.
What happens if we identify a problem and don’t worry about the solutions? GASP! – I KNOW – my anxiety level just jumped typing that!
But seriously, what if we just acknowledged the problem and then practiced allowing God/Universe/Higher Power to solve it?
Let’s sit with the uncomfortableness of THAT for just a minute.
How do we just acknowledge a problem and not worry about it? Especially those of us who are
Type A/people pleasers/natural problem solvers and helpers?
First of all, we have to – we must – understand that our worth as a human being is NOT tied to how much we worry about a situation or worry for a person. We are worthy and deserving of being liked/loved whether we worry or not.
Second, we have to understand that there is literally no way we can come up with every solution for every problem or scenario. We just cannot. We have to allow God/Universe/Higher Power to work things out. That’s hard, I know, but often that solution is the best one and it’s one we never would have thought about!
Third, we have to determine whether something is a good worry or a bad worry. This article from BetterHelp gives a good explanation and examples. Basically, a good worry is something where we can identify the problem, some simple solutions and take action right away. A good worry is more like a simple concern.
Example: We worry about what’s for dinner? Identify some options, pick one, enjoy dinner! Problem solved, no more worry.
A bad worry is something that becomes detrimental to our daily life whether that be through worry causing increased anxiety and stress or having a negative impact on your mental and physical health. A bad worry is something that keeps us stuck in cycles.
To worry is a futile endeavor.
This post started with that sentence. And goodness, what a rabbit hole it led me too – but I believe that this post was needed as much as a reminder for myself as it is for you –
Afterall, we all worry.
And yes, there is a special magic that happens when we practice as the quote says, “stop worrying how things will turn out.” If we work on allowing God/Universe/Higher Power to sort out the problem and understand that this is really the best solution because it worked out the way it was meant to work out, that really does help reduce the stress and anxiety of worry.
Yes, to worry is a futile endeavor but since we can’t seem to help ourselves and we worry anyway, at least now we know how to worry well. There is a certain kind of magic that happens in the peace and the calm – your nervous system relaxes, you have more clarity and often, problems just magically take care of themselves.
Postscript: This post was inspired by an Instagram post by Hoda Kotb. If you aren’t following Hoda Kotb on Instagram, I’d suggest you do – she often posts very inspirational images that exude hope and joy, inspiration and encouragement.
I absolutely adore Hoda and had the opportunity to meet her last year, she is exactly the same in person as she is on TV – a loving, kind, warm, generous spirit. Yup – I met Jenna Bush Hager too – she is also a loving, kind, warm, generous spirit!
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Coffee helps my brain put the thoughts in my head to my keyboard to create this post. Think of “Buy Me Coffee” as a virtual tip jar - enjoyed this post? I appreciate the tip!
I’ve found this to be so true in my own life. Worrying never really fixes anything. It just drains your energy. Learning to let go of anxiety and respond with calm is definitely not easy, but it’s something you start to build over time through your own experiences. It really is a skill, one that grows as you live and learn.